The first readthrough!
I have just read the play out loud for the first time. I have not listened to the podcasts since their first publishing. As the readthrough was done at home, I purposely went into those rooms where various events happened.
To quote from ‘A Chorus Line’, – I felt nothing.
As a person in recovery, this is good, as it now means my past doesn’t have a hold on me like it used to.
As a performer – this means I can now play an exaggerated version of myself on stage without the raw emotion that I dutifully edited during those first podcasts.
The events and the places, moreover my flat, now don’t have any flashbacks or PTSD like symptoms, but I would be foolish to say that in day to day life things like that don’t happen.
Earlier this week I needed to get my PrEP, so went to 56 Dean Street to get it. I have been tested for everything, and I can now say I am negative from all viruses in the sexual health department. HOWEVER… blood was needed to be taken, thanks to my years of slamming, my veins are wonky, to say the least. It took 3 attempts. My dear friend took me to London and back, and when I came out of Dean Street I was shaking, I was having flashbacks from me being picked up from Brighton, I couldn’t ‘see’ Compton Street’ in my mind’s eye I was back in Brighton, waiting to be picked up.
I was a wreck. It took a couple of hours for me to reframe and realise what I was doing – when I came ‘back into the room’ – I thought – hey this is perfect for an update! Ah yes, the performer and writer in me took over, and thought this was the best thing to do!
This is what they don’t tell you in recovery – that you will get PTSD like symptoms from your last indiscretions at times, and it doesn’t matter how long you have been clean. I just wish everyone had a dear friend such as mine to help them get through this – because if I was in London alone, and this happened – lord only knows what would have happened.
Thank you, dear friend.
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